The Phantom Pain of Relationships

There is such a thing called, Phantom Pain or Phantom Limb Pain (PLP) that occurs with individuals that had an amputation of a limb. My research has shown that this pain feels like a variety of things, such as burning, twisting, itching, or pressure.

According to the Amputee Coalition, this pain starts after surgery, most often felt in fingers or toes. It is believed that nearly 80% of the amputee population experiences this. The length of time PLP last can vary from person to person — from seconds to days. It diminishes in frequency and duration within the first six months, but many have continued feeling something for years.

I am have been incredibly blessed not to have experienced this in my life, but I have had some family friends and members share this. I am a full believer that this pain is real, and anyone experiencing this is not crazy, delusional, or out of their mind. Doctors say that it is a normal part of healing and the requirement of learning a “new normal.”

As I was driving home after a hard day of work, I was thinking about the relationships and friendships I had to let go of or bid my farewell. Sometimes, the relationship has serviced its purpose; others were no longer growing and stayed stagnate. There was a level of dread when I saw the phone ringing or passing in the hallways of life. These have been some of the closest friendships and the most profound relationships we have greatly sacrificed for yet can end with the devastating minimum return when needed the most. Although I know that I felt as if I had to walk away from my relationship with them for what I deemed to be the best decision for myself and my heart — it does not dismiss the pain that accompanies the separation.

The waves of the pain of such a separation can literally take your breath away, and sometimes the physical feel that aches with each heartbeat. I don’t know what to do in those moments other than going to what I knew, to pray. I had to skip past the formalities of a “pretty prayer” and cut straight to the chase since I was in that type of pain that makes you angry. In all honesty, I asked the Lord, “Why is it always me that is ‘plucked’ out of relationships that are meaningful to me? And not only is it just one person, but it is also a whole group of people that You, dear Lord, would embed and integrate me into their way of life. I would get into deep, meaningful relationships with them, create such strong memories with them….and then boom. I would have to be the one to leave, and they get to stay together, and it would be me to feel the cutting away the deepest. I don’t understand why I’m always the kid that’s called inside while the other kids can keep playing.”

I heard the Lord say clear as day, “You’re feeling the phantom pain of these relationships. Your pain is very real, but it’s not going to bring back what I removed.”

I had to stop the car and process it, and it left me with two settling things.

First, the Lord acknowledges that the pain that we feel when we no longer have access to people we once were in a close relationship with. He is not a high priest that does not know what we feel here on earth, especially concerning relationships (Hebrews 4:15). His whole life is centered around reconciliation in a relationship back to the Father. Like any good doctor, we take our aches and pains to; He let me know that the pain is real and I am not making this up, nor am I exaggerating this loss.

“You’re feeling the phantom pain of these relationships. Your pain is very real, but it’s not going to bring back what I removed.”

Secondly, even though He acknowledges the pain, He reminds me that it will not change His mind toward His plans towards me. In these moments, it is hard to remember that He knows the plans for us, which includes plans to prosper us and not to harm us. It is our human nature to be emotional about loss. It can be crippling, even paralyzing, but even in all of that, we have to stand firm and believe that He holds our world in His hands. He holds our heart in His hands. He holds our healing in His hands. What I love is that He’s God enough to walk us from the height of our pain and pulls us from the valley of our anger, frustration, and even betrayal, and set us on The Rock that is higher than I.

So be encouraged. I know it hurts, and there will be moments where the moments of aching will make it hard to breathe, let alone speak words to express it. You’re not crazy. You’re learning your new normal, and it takes some time. But you’ll learn how to walk again, even if it’s with a limp.