Shattered…It’s Okay

I’ve had ideas, I’ve had concepts, I’ve had series in mind…but no courage. I mean nothing.

Life hit. Not only hit but shattered my day-to-day life almost to depth of core…well, it reached down there too.

It’s that scene in the movies where there has been an explosion, and the ringing in the ears of actors causes everything around them to go mute, and as much as they want to run, they simply cannot. Confusion ensues, and eventually, all of their senses come back, and they can hear the chaos and feel the pain; everything comes into focus. The adrenaline kicks in they can get to safety. That was/is the best way to describe life these days. Ironically I know I am not the other person there.

The reality that we have lived these past decades has literally been shattered to pieces. Only remnants of pictures of our good times comfort our aching hearts, and memories invite us to a moment of relief by laughing at the silly things we have said, done, or thought.

When something is broken, it can be fixed…but when something is shattered, can it really be put back together as it was before? It’s almost like the one who can fix it has to count the cost to see if it is worth the time to invest in putting all of the pieces together AFTER they have been found.

One of the things that have brought me comfort during this time is knowing that God is in control, and He knows where all of the shattered pieces of my heart are. Yet He loves me enough to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. I sincerely pray that He does not cast me away from His presence, and He restores the joy of His salvation unto me (Psalm 51:11-13).

Finding and seeing joy during recovery can be a hard thing some days, but it is the small steps that eventually get us from point A to point B. One of the hardest things about it ALLOWING myself the time to grieve what once was: the people who have passed, the people who are alive yet no longer in my life, new victories finally cannot celebrate with the community I once had, etc. I found myself in a constant state of grief, and I really have not allowed myself to grieve the past. I just kept going, kept moving, kept busy. There was a day where I felt like the Lord tapped me on my shoulder and asked me…” are you human enough to tell ME you need ME? Do you see ME as God sufficient to take you by the hand and walk you through this?”

In fear of what it would be like, I honestly said, “I do not know yet.”

He said, “Trust ME enough to take this journey…Let me introduce you to the woman I see in you…Come…JourneyWithMe”

Eyes full of tears, fearful, and evaluating my trust…I simply responded:

“Okay”

…and it begins